25th October 2011

Dear Wesley,

I have found myself reading even more these days and trying to push myself out of everything that is going on. I read We Need to talk about Kevin – which in part inspired me to write in this way to you. It’s an outlet, a need, a tour de force that I know has been unleashed and yet never discovered. The idea of letting everyone but you see what is in my head gives me gratitude – you were always one step behind when it mattered. When it did not matter, or my feelings were involved you were on top form. It is six weeks now until I leave England. You have told me since January and then when I saw you in June that you would come here – time is running out.

I find myself waking up each morning, hoping to hear the iphone tone that will signal you have sent me a message. It must have been two weeks now that I heard from you everyday and now I wish for a replication of these texts. I have not got it. I gave in today and text you first (despite my four pint text to you on Friday evening, again doubting my own sanity the next morning) I asked you how you were. You told me you would be going to work in the Netherlands – it is always been a competition with you. When I said I was leaving you could reply quick enough, when you say to me I am left hanging on for more. More that I never seem to get.

Right now, I am about distance. Distance from you, the people I work with and live with. I find myself, finding them to be unbearable. Whether it is because I am leaving and the pain of saying goodbye will only be harder, or I just need head space I do not know. I am annoyed too, with my supposed ‘best friend.’ Yet again I found myself falling for someone else, someone new. A tattooed, ex-army (he was in Afghan, you were nowhere) nice guy – or so I thought. I misread kindness for something for – sometimes I wonder if this was the same with you. Are you beginning to sweat? Has your grasp on the mouse gotten tighter? The thought of me imagining being with someone who is the farthest from you possible? You can loosen it – he got close to me to get close to my best friend. Now, she sat me down on Friday evening and asked me if I would mind if she went there. How great! If I was to not grant permission then an asshole mark would be a strike next to my name. I told her to be happy but warned her about the falseness of emotions in this place. Your head will trick you – as well as your heart – into believing that being with a certain person is needed. This is what I tell myself to try and get you out of my head.

Of course I gave her ‘permission’ – I am so fucking selfless right? Now I find myself being unable to look at her, along with the fact that every decision she now makes will be based around him. I want to spend time with her before I go – my reasons for saying anything but yes would have been selfish. I told her this too. You know me, I have never hidden anything. You always told me that was one of my better qualities, that I could say anything and get away with it. Others find it annoying – sometimes that I lack a brain. The only saving grace in there wonderful, blossoming new relationship is that she will finish on Friday for Christmas as the winter shutdown begins. I find it funny – am I wrong? To laugh at the fact that they won’t see each other in work and it will be outside of it – with him still working that their time will be shortened? I think not – may it be selfish or not. My anger is higher about this than normal as I told him I liked him and he still went for it. I only have myself to blame and my need to feed my alcohol thirst with senseless drunken texts that generally do nothing but fuck people off.

Don’t hate me for liking someone else – I don’t even think I did. It was an idea, but you were always so much more than that. I think about you every day – does that mean a single thing? Or is it like rain, washed away and forgotten so quickly making moving on for you quick but for me even slower. Sometimes the rain does not stop.

I must go right now, but I shall continue to write to you. I need it to make me feel that something may happen.

Yours truly,

__________________